One night before bed, my husband was reading an article and decided he was going to conduct what he called “The Marshmallow Test” on our preschooler the following morning. According to him the article said her response to this test would be an indicator for future success in life. Having never heard of this test, the words “future success in life” led me to believe the test was some kind of assessment of math or logic; not so. The next morning my husband presented her with one cookie (she doesn’t like marshmallows). He told her she could have that 1 cookie immediately or if she waited until after lunch she could have 2 cookies. She thought about it and said she would wait until after lunch to have 2 cookies. Proud and relieved, my husband contributed a little extra to her college fund that day.
In today’s world of standardized tests and social media humble-brags, it can be easy to get wrapped up in how soon our kids talk, count, and learn to read. While these skills are important and no doubt a reason to be proud, they should not be a catch all barometer for how our children are doing, or will do in the future. As parents we can focus on building their character which will ultimately instill in them the importance of treating people well, working hard, and overcoming adversity.
Treating people well comes along with respect and respect starts with oneself. When your children speak to you, put down your phone, look them in the eye, listen to what they say, and respond thoughtfully. This will make them feel valued and heard. You’ve just taught your child how to have a respectful conversation. This is an important character trait.
Working hard is very tricky to teach at the preschool age. They’re very distractible creatures and play is always more important than a task or chore. I’ve yet to find any hack or shortcut to this one aside from modeling good behavior with a sense of humor. I’ve said, “Well, I’d rather be reading my new book than folding the laundry, but you don’t want to go to school in wrinkled clothes so fold I shall! Now please go put your toys away.”
Overcoming adversity is my favorite. Nobody wants to see their children fail, but they need to for so many reasons. Success is so much sweeter after failure. Failure teaches us more than immediate success ever could. It gives us empathy for others as well. One practice I read about that’s being used to teach kids about persistence and overcoming adversity is called WOOP. WOOP was created by Gabriele Oettingen at NYU. It stands for Wish Outcome Obstacle Plan. An example would be to ask the child to identify a:
- Wish: I wish to learn to ride my bike
- Outcome: It will be fun and I’ll get to ride with my friends.
- Obstacle: I’ll fall a lot and get hurt while I’m learning.
- Plan: I’ll ask my mom and dad to get me knee pads and a helmet so when I fall, it won’t hurt a lot and I can get up to try again.
Peer reviewed studies have shown that children who were taught to WOOP were ultimately more successful in their academics and in their later professional careers.
While grades and standardized test scores are good and necessary, so too are the aforementioned skills and character traits. Let us not miss opportunities to model these traits positively and spend time sincerely praising our children when they demonstrate respect, hard work, and overcoming adversity.
