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We’ve been married for more than 13 years and my husband has always had a bad temper. At first, I thought that we are just in the adjustment period, but as years went by, I know for sure that it is what he really is, hot-headed, impatient, tactless, and most of all, he really does not know how to own up to his mistake and apologize.
There are times when I feel like I am being suffocated. I really do not have much of a voice in this marriage and this family. I am also feeling bad for my kids that they have to see this side of their dad. I am a very patient and understanding person and most of the time, I just let it all pass. But, sometimes, I feel like I am about to explode. I feel like, I just want to walk away.
It is indeed true that words hurt much more than anything else.
I know there are many other families going through a rough phase in their life. Some might even be a lot worse than ours. But if you were in my shoes, how will you handle a partner’s bad temper?
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I am so sorry to hear the challenges you are facing right now. In every relationship, there will always be differences and for married couples, you will definitely notice more of it when you start living under one roof. As a couple, you should compromise and not let the difference gets in your way. It may sound easier said than done, but I think, that should always be the case to make a relationship work.
I encourage you to be more open with what you feel. There are some instances when a person keeps repeating a deed that is hurting his partner because he actually thinks that what he is doing is ok. And that is because his partner is not saying anything. Having open communication will not resolve the issues right away but it will definitely help you and your partner know what each of you feels and most importantly, your limitations.
It can be a little challenging considering how long this has been going on but I believe it is never too late. Speaking up is much better than concealing what you truly feel because who knows what you might say or do after years of shrugging off your concerns.
I wish you all the best!
I am sorry to hear that you are having a tough time at the moment. Relationships are hard. Does your partner know how his moods and behaviour make you feel? The best time to have conversations about these things are not in the heat of the moment. It's much easier to have a conversation when both of you are calm and removed from an active situation. I love the phrase 'seek first to understand' when dealing with any relationship issues. I wonder what is going on for your husband? Anger is a very protective emotion that might be hiding some intense vulnerability and low self-esteem. It certainly doesn't mean that your husband is a bad guy.
Have you ever completed the Meyer Briggs personality test? This is a great thing to do together with a partner to grow your understanding of each other. It identifies the strengths, character and challenges in a person's personality. I also love the 5 Love Languages book. Learning how to make each other feel loved is so beneficial for relationships and as part of those conversations, you might be able to communicate how your husbands angry outbursts make you feel. He might have no idea of the impact it is having on you - especially if you have found it difficult to speak up in the past.
I wish you and your family all the best in working through this. I also agree that some counselling or coaching for you would be a great idea and support you to have some of those more tricky conversations in a way that isn't too threatening for your husband.
I'm terribly sorry to hear that you are having to deal with your partner's volatile moods. It can be very disheartening to realise that a problem that you thought was temporary turns out to be an ongoing problem - especially when it starts to affect your children.
There are a few ways that you can consider dealing with the situation you find yourself in. Firstly, it is important to realise that we can't change other people's behavior - they have to want to change. All we can do is to decide what we are willing to tolerate and how we will deal with negative behavior when it arises. It might be useful for you to engage in some counselling so that you can explore how your husband's temper makes you feel and what you can do when he does have these outbursts. Your children could also benefit from the input of a neutral third party to help them deal with any conflict they experience or witness at home. Remember that the effects of childhood trauma can remain into adulthood if not addressed.
If you believe that your husband is aware that his temper affects your family, he might be willing to attend anger management classes or maybe join you in couples or family counselling so that he can get an understanding of his moods and their impact on your family and relationship.
My last word of advice would be to find ways to make yourself financially secure and have a plan in place for if the situation ever escalates and you feel that you need to leave. By empowering yourself, you can take steps towards addressing the voicelessness you experience in your relationship.
I am in the same boat so I empathize with you. I am sorry to hear about your troubles as I know how difficult it is to walk around on eggshells.
My one daughter grew to hate my husband and the other asked me to divorce him when she was a teen.
I did not divorce him and although he is much better now, I still wonder if it would have been best for my kids to not have him around. They both went into counseling in their 20s, and my husband still has not taken ownership for the damage that he caused them.
To his credit, he has stated on many occasions that he is not proud of what kind of husband he was.
Now that the kids are out of the house, things are even keel and our marriage is much better. I think he likes to have me to himself better than with kids around, truthfully.
I see one of our grandsons who has a terrible temper and am proud of him because he is going to anger therapy. I think that owning this negative behavior is half the battle.
so maybe councleing would be a good idea. If your husband is like mine, he may not go if it about him. Perhpas couples therapy would be more effective. After all, it is how you react also that may help to shape his behavior.
My husband's mother never stood up to him when he acted that way as a teen. I am mild-mannered and so is my birth family. I would just clam up when he would rage as I did not have experience fighting back. Only when the kids were older and I got stronger as a person did I start to make him see that there were consequences for his actions. by my own response.
One time when my daughter was in college and he was acting up toward her, I told her that she had the freedom to leave now that she had somewhere else to go. So she promptly left and cut our vacation together short. Another time when he got dangerously mad in the car, I got out and told him that I would not ride with him until he got his temper under control. I did not ride with him for about 6 months. His road rage is soooo much better since that time. All I have to do is remind him now and he calms down.
I wish you the best in this difficult situation.
I'm so sorry that you're going through this. It's really challenging and heartbreaking to feel this way, especially when things are already tough enough raising little ones. Are you able to talk to your partner about how his behavior reflects on your children? When you're in a long-term relationship it's easy to fall into this space where bad habits continue and aren't addressed. But I think when you add kids to the mix, it's important to see how your behavior is shown to them. They copy everything that we do, so if your husband realizes that his temper may result in his kids acting the same way, perhaps he would take a step back and try to make some adjustments.
I hope that you find some resolutions. I know this can't be easy for you. Sending lots of good thoughts your way.