How much should a husband help with newborn duties if he goes for work and you don’t?
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2 min read
A little back story, I’m 21 and I got pregnant shortly after my husband and me met. Right from birth, my 30-year-old husband was no help. He had the whole week off from work, but I was the only one taking care of her, day and night. (Side note: he even took the pain meds I was discharged with because he had a “backache”). Our son is almost 3 months old now. He has had many stomach problems due to undiagnosed CMPA (cow milk protein allergy), so saying she had some loooong nights of screaming inconsolably for hours would be an understatement. I have our daughter all day and all night still. My husband works from 4 pm to 12:30 am, but he won’t do night feedings. He sleeps for over 10 hours a day. You would think that after a night of baby screaming for over 7 hours, that he’d take care of her during the day so I can have a few minutes to myself. He gets agitated whenever I ask him to do something, even just hold her so I can go pee. I’ve begged him to help out more and let me get a break every couple of days for just an hour, he says he will, but he never actually does it. He even pulls the “I work to support you” card like I do nothing all day long. On a good day, he might spend 15 minutes with her all day, but when he’s around his family, he acts like he’s Superdaddy. Apart from washing bottles every other day and acting like I should worship him for it, that’s about it. This isn’t fair to our daughter for him to be this way, and I don’t feel like it’s fair to me either. My mom keeps her 1 day a week so that I can eat, shower, sleep and clean up. Am I expecting too much from him? Any ideas on how to get him to be more active in her life?     
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Answers (4)
Best answer chosen by asker
This sounds like a really tough time for you. I agree with all being said above particularly the part that if your husband is not willing to contribute more after an honest discussion with him, then you may need to access further supports. Unfortunately our bubs are so alert to what is going on with our own levels of stress and distress, that if you are unable to get the supports to allow your self time to reboot everyday, you may notice the distress in your child increasing as well. Even if this involves play dates with other mums to share the supervising or a subsidised daycare to support for even an hour a day. You need to come first.
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I'm sorry that you're going through this period feeling this way. You need as much rest as possible to give your best to your baby. Motherhood is a full-time job on its own. I went through a similar situation but talking to my partner helped solve these many issues. You both could have different expectations based on how you were brought up. Your husband needs to take an active role, not just when his family is around. I would suggest giving him time alone with the baby.
Maybe he just hasn't had much practice to take care of the baby and is unwilling to admit that. He needs to practice these skills beyond 15 minutes in a day and bond more. So give them time alone. Run an errand over the weekend, be ready to come home to a mess but also remember that you learned these same skills over time. As he goes through the challenges, he'll acknowledge and understand what you're going through and hopefully "support" you more in raising your kid.
Calmly talk to him about the division of labor. Night feedings can be alternated. If he does diaper changing at night, you can be the one to feed your baby. If you cook, he can do the dishes, and so forth. This way, you're contributing your best selves to the household and dividing the chores fairly. You don't need to micromanage him as long as everyone understands their responsibilities. You more than deserve those breaks.
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Wow, you are going through a tough time. Having an infant is hard on both parents, but unfortunately, the primary responsibility falls on the mother most of the time.
I am not saying that you should be stuck with all of the work and not have any help. You need a break every day from the constant care that an infant demands. It seems that society expects more from a mother than a father, which is often unfair.
Is it possible to talk to your husband and determine his expectations for helping with your baby? I wonder what the dynamics were with his parents when he was a child. Perhaps this parenting model is what he grew up with, and he does not realize that your needs are reasonable. Do you have any friends or family raising children that he can visit or talk to to get a reality check? Can you ask him when he can help ahead of time so he can give his input and plan it into his day?
If your husband does not come around and help more, is it possible for your mom to help out more than once a week? Even an hour a few times a week will give you time to nap or take a shower.
Take heart; it does get better as your baby settles into a routine and can go for more extended periods without eating,
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Best answer chosen by asker
It sounds like you are really having tough time. Having a baby is a huge adjustment for both parents, and is even more difficult if you cannot rely on one another for support. Our parenting styles are often affected by the way our parents raised us and it is possible that in your husband's home, childcare was viewed as a woman's job, while men were seen as the providers.
It is perfectly reasonable to expect your husband to parent - after all, your daughter belongs to both of you. Do you think that your husband would be willing to see a family coach? Family coaches are able to mediate where there are differing childcare views and approaches. They will be able to help you explore what both of your expectations are and can help you to create your own parenting plan.
If your husband is unwilling to change his ways, then you may have to look for other people who can support you to make sure that you can take care of yourself too.
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