It was just me and my mother when I was growing up. In kindergarten and then in school, it was fascinating to hear people talk about their siblings and eventually hang out with actual siblings. The ups and downs in their relationships always felt foreign to me.

I experienced a wide range of feelings as an only child. Sometimes it was loneliness and sometimes gratitude for getting all the attention, toys, and books. Don’t forget the quiet, too.

Nevertheless, when it was my turn to be a mother, I knew I wanted a big family, and I wanted my children to have many siblings. That’s exactly what I’m doing. We are up to 3 currently (2 of them being the so-called Irish twins) and plan to add more.

To say becoming a mother of siblings was an entirely different ballgame is an understatement. Even with my background in child development and childcare, it surprised me so much that I simply had to write about it.

Choosing to raise multiples

The number of parents who were singletons but went on to raise multiple children isn’t as high as I thought. There are some key reasons why some singleton parents choose to have multiples.

Many of them didn’t want their children to end up alone, be that as kids playing or as adults watching their parents age and needing care. Some parents feared the only child syndrome affected their kid, especially when it came to socialization outside the home.

In my case, I found I wanted my children to have a forever friend. My mom was often busy, and I had no one to play with—a sibling as a forever playmate, someone to learn from and have adventures with.

As cheesy as it sounds, another important thing for me is making sure there are many children to continue the legacy. The legacy can simply be a family that chooses to love all.

Having only one child?

Parents struggle to decide whether they want an only child or not. They are mostly concerned that it may be unfair to the child and worry about what would happen when they start to age and become the responsibility of their only child.

Even though these concerns exist with the pandemic and economic problems, the idea of having an only child is on the rise.

Many grown-up children with no siblings look back fondly on their experience, stating that being an only child helped teach them independence, being okay with solitude, and communicating well due to more interaction with adults. Many were so happy as an only child that they also opted to have 1 child.

What are the only child characteristics?

Regardless of the path you choose, there will be some differences. Many of these are, of course, generalizations. Every child/family is different, and much of this is based on parenting styles. For the sake of this article, we assume the parent practices a positive parenting style with healthy attachments.

The 3 most common single child characteristics are:

1. Independent: Not counting their parents, only children are on their own, so they need to learn how to do things. They have room to explore without hindrance.
2. Responsible: Only children are aware it’s just them, so a sense of responsibility comes into play as they grow up.
3. Close with family: This stems from getting all of their parents’ attention.

You will probably notice that the list of characteristics doesn’t include the infamous “only child syndrome,” which suggests that adults without siblings will likely have less developed social skills and antisocial tendencies carried over from childhood.

Research has shown that the idea of someone needing brothers and sisters to grow into a decent person has no real validity. This has more to do with how the child is raised than with whether siblings are in the picture or not. As with most things, it boils down to parenting style when it comes to learning values such as sharing, compassion, and gratitude.

Characteristics of kids with siblings

If you decide to grow your family beyond a single child, you’ll find that it definitely changes not only the parenting dynamics but also the sibling dynamics.

The 3 most common characteristics of children with siblings are:

1. Shared interests: This is especially true for Irish twins. Being so close in age, they often will share some interests as they play and grow up together.
2. Conflict resolution skills: Siblings are forced and also taught to develop these important skills sooner as they have to share space and attention with another tiny human.
3. Shared mannerisms: This is much like shared interests and is a result of sharing the same space for a long long. As the siblings get older, this sometimes starts to change as peer groups and other outside influences start to play a part in shaping their views and behaviors. Yet, the similarities are always there, especially in the safe space of their own home. This can be both a blessing and a curse.

With multiples, there is said to be a syndrome for each. The firstborn syndrome is associated with responsible leaders with a hint of bossiness. The middle child syndrome often has the sibling acting out due to not getting as much parental love and affection. This can cause identity issues as the child struggles to find their place or role. The baby syndrome refers to the youngest child, who tends to be coddled and often gets what they want.

These are loosely based on the Adler theory, which suggested that birth order leads to differences in siblings. However, if you seek the perspective of parents and siblings, the answers will likely change. First developed in the 1960s by psychotherapist Alfred Adler, the birth order theory hasn’t been fully backed by modern research.

Tips for raising siblings after growing up an only child

Through the years, I’ve picked some top tips for an only child entering sibling territory. Trust me, it’s a whole new experience.

Parenting is parenting, but when you find yourself outnumbered, you learn to tweak the rules a bit.

1. Cultivate separate meaningful and different relationships with each child

Each sibling is different, and if you try to connect with them in the same way, it can leave everyone feeling unfulfilled.

Finding out your child’s love language and learning to speak it is a great start, but it’s honestly just as simple as seeing what they love and finding a way to connect through that.

2. Don’t compare them

“Comparison is the thief of joy” is so true! Don’t compare the siblings when it comes to skillsets, housework, or anything else. It’s important that everyone’s strengths are recognized, and those will all be different, even with Irish twins.

One of the biggest complaints I’ve heard from younger siblings is this pressing need to rise up to their siblings, and it can be very detrimental. It’s easy to slip into comparisons even with young children.

Making sure to focus on positive affirmations and what they can do in the moment is helpful.

3. Cultivate problem-solving at a young age

Sibling rivalry is real, and becoming involved in every dispute gets old. Honestly, sometimes they end up turning on you. Most disputes die or get resolved by the kids on their own, so make sure that you have good problem solvers.

Model good problem solving and big feeling coping mechanisms. Talk about feelings with, “I feel__when you____” instead of just assigning blame.

As cheesy as it sounds, having them act out situations also helps build these skills from a young age. I had to learn quickly I can’t jump into everything, but if I give my kids the tools, they will use them.

4. Establish a collaboration mindset in the home

This keeps everyone on the same team and helps combat that sibling rivalry. “She did this” and ‘He did that” will still pop up from time to time, but persistently nurturing a collaboration mindset will ensure that everyone is working in a team with their own role and responsibility.

5. Get some self-care

Being part of a growing family is hard on a parent and on a child. Utilizing self-care and alone time to recharge your batteries is a positive thing.

Especially when siblings are close in age, they seem to spend a lot of time together, so making sure that you are at 100% is vital, and we try to model and teach that daily.

The sibling rivalry book

I just had my 1st book release at the beautiful Elsewhere Museum in Greensboro. They featured me as a writer along with my 1st children’s book, Siblings Rivalry: A Book of Funny Poems.

It is a simple take on my Irish twins from my point of view as a singleton. The way they could switch from conflict and even violence as toddlers to the biggest cuddles and forever love was, honestly, foreign and amazing to me. It’s definitely a different ball game raising multiples when you were an only child. I’d already written the book by the time we added the 3rd kid to our brood.

I’m already working on a 2nd installment because a little baby stepping on the scene to join the Irish twins is also one for the books. He is now a toddler, and it’s so interesting to observe how quickly he learns or the way he places himself in his older siblings’ world.

Conclusion

Research is still being conducted on siblings and singletons, but one thing everyone can agree on is that parenting plays a huge role in each scenario.

I enjoy being a mother of multiples—watching them grow has been a pleasure and a hilarious experience, and there is so much more to come!